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The HTML editor

(Phone call)
Luser : Hello, good morning. I wish I could have my own website. BOFH
: No problem, we will provide the space but we have to do to send the html of the page.
Luser : Fine, but will not let me send it by mail.
BOFH: What error gives the email client?
Luser : That the message is too large.
BOFH: How big is your HTML?
Luser : Well, I think around 700 Kb each page
BOFH: Do you have many images, or external file pdf type, etc..?
Luser : what goes, are many. Html and have little more than two images.
BOFH: What have you created your page?
Luser : With Microsoft Publisher.
BOFH: What?
Luser : The BOFH
Publis: ¬ _ ¬ ahhh .... HTML editor par excellence.

This story is based on real events.

Dresden Milena Velba

quintessential urban legend or reality?

Start the "course" for all enterprises, including companies in which we work computer. New partners, new "lusers" new "bosses" new "experts" pichiwilis and ... new urban legends. Today

buddies talk about those phrases that run through the internet and talk about the incompetence of the lusers. Right? "Lie? "Exaggeration?. Each year there are new coinciding with the entry of new elements to the business world.

I could make a copy / paste all that Rulan online, but prefer to stick here I have lived in first or second person. We will use Jorge the BOFH (JEB) and Ambrose Luser (AEL) as an example to remain anonymous.

1. Development of interactive applications.

is clear that applications should be clear and intuitive, but sometimes it is not known to what extent. Never underestimate the power side "luser". A couple of examples:

Example 1: We have an interactive application that requires that someone type your dni. Text on screen "Enter your ID card." So far so normal. The user tells us it is a problem.

- AeL: Excuse me, is that I got my passport and now I can not remove.
- Jeb, and where he got the dni?
- AeL: for the slot (pointing to the drive).
- Jeb (I can this be happening to me.) # The poor had to go for a pair of tweezers to remove dni #

Example 2: We have the same application (used by many people) in which the text "Click on the screen on the OK button to finish" .

- Here are two variants: the one who catches the mouse, place it on the screen and clicks "OK" button (go you to know where the pointer) or catching the mouse, put it in the top screen and then clicking with the mouse (the latest variant in the TFT disuse). Very literal Tooooodo :-).

Example 3: We have to mime AeL before (the mouse on the screen) managing the same application. At one point asks for help.

-AeL: Excuse me, I have a problem.
-Jeb: Tell me.
-AeL: I need to click on this option (says one who is at one edge of the application), but I can not get (points his hand, which is on the mouse, which is on the verge of a mouse pad and draws the pointer is in the middle of the screen).
-JEB (without saying anything AeL take the hand, lift it by holding the mouse and placed at the beginning of the mat. He then leaves.)

As you can see, there are things that our understanding espace. In the next post I will continue with these stories, but before that I like:

We are in a public hall for many years. There is an email application that works with disks 3 1 / 2. In this disk are saved emails from the lusers, but not the application. Every time we read or receive mail, we put the disk asks us our key and work. So far so normal.

-AeL: sorry, but I do not mail application works.
-Jeb: Let's see what happens. (Run the application rrgggrgggrggrrgrg noise sounds in the drive).
-JEB: it seems that there is a problem with the floppy. Let's see how it is. (We take it out and try to move the plate, this does not move).
-JEB: it seems that the problem is that the sheet is stuck and the computer can not open.
-AeL: ah, the chapita that? yes, is that yesterday I dropped at home and stuck with lotitte (and I say without blushing or anything, hear.)

The next day, more jokes.

Hacker De Materialpara O Ogame

opened my experiences with an image that took a looooong time around in his head. Just do not have to do-too-with the abstract idea of \u200b\u200bthe BOFH, but ... Who would not ever happened?

Imagine a pilot. Plane. With its flight license. Prepared to move bugs from 50 tons to over 300 km / ha 10,000 meters. Now imagine your buddies, people of good heart, but always call the pilot to Relocate them things. In van. When the pilot asked that he and no other, the answer the question, now, that seem to Galicia, is invariably the same:

• You do not work carrying things?
• Well yes but no.
• do not see the difference.
• I have a degree to operate a special machine that allows .... Does
• motor?
• eh?
• Is that motor machinery will not?
• eu ... Well, if
• is. Same thing.

Well gentlemen, no. It is not the same. Just as there are people who have license to fly planes, fighters, helicopters, bombers, space shuttles, comets or tricycles, in computing there are several separate fields each WHICH common feature is that the tool has keyboard and monitor. And this NO assumed that aircraft handling. let's drive radio-controlled airplanes. Learn

, pussy! That is not so difficult!

PD: I had to let go ....

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paper airplane I have not been ... BOFH

Whenever you get to deal with lusers magic phrase appears and looks like a joker among them: I have not been or I have not touched anything ... . I say, if something worked before and now has stopped working, what will that change?. Let alone the computer does not give to mutate! (Although there are always between lusers beliefs that have little elves inside their PC's).

Day , day out you are with the typical scene:

Luser : Is that my icons have disappeared from my desk. But I have not touched anything, eh! I do not know what may have happened.
BOFH: You sure you did not touch anything or you have clicked on something?
Luser : Nah, not! I put my hand on fire that I have not been. After hours

devanándote the brains behind this new X-File case you ask:

BOFH: When you log on, do not you be a little message appeared on the Windows bottom bar telling you: "There are unused icons your desk, do you want delete? "?
Luser : ah! themselves as well!
BOFH: And there will not be down, right?
Luser : Well, I have not clear. But that does not have anything to do, right?
BOFH (thoughts) : Noooooo, of course ...
Tirándote
think the hair: is it that people do not have the concept clear CAUSE-EFFECT?

CAUSE: I played in a dialogue I said I was going to delete the desktop icons.
EFFECT: the icons have been deleted successfully.

"Are you from the past?" (IT Crowd)

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day

today is the day BOFH and the sysadmin of the light side of the force. Any gift received? prepared some evil? Comment your intentions for today :-) I have

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days thinking when I became a BOFH, and I think I've found the right time ... It was back in 1991 ... Get in position: Spain was preparing for the Olympics and the World Exhibition in Seville and had repellents 'Cobis' and 'Curro' everywhere. There were the carriers and all-terrain vehicles were used only when needed to step over a different terrain to the asphalt. Novell at the computer without anyone reigned coughed so much that rather than computer seemed to fire (for that of the red boxes), windows in the version 3.1 was marginal, Internet existed only in very exclusive university environments and applications used in offices were WordPerfect, dBase III and Lotus 123 ... Well, and minesweeper that is, in part, the protagonist of our story ...

I, for those time, combining work in a small company and studied computer engineering in college. It was a very technical company founded by academics who are dedicated to hardware and software to measure and worked almost exclusively for public agencies. I went through a phase of discovery and delivery was work so strong that even many days sleeping there in a sleeping bag and got up when he entered the cleaning lady. I felt the company as my own (sense than ever after I returned to have) and really enjoyed my job. Freaky right? Anyway, as the wise man said nothing lasts forever and the money was who destroyed the idyllic ecosystem ... One of the machines we design and call number-92 (now that I think we were pioneers ahead of Microsoft in years to put the names of the products ... I'm about to sue them) was so successful that sold like hotcakes and the money started to enter the company expuertas ... money which, of course, did not affect never in my list or that of my colleagues but in the heads-member-teachers of the company (and one more than in others, it must be said too) and began creating misgivings and personal feuds between our little family ... Bad thing.

We were in this situation when one partner came one day saying he had to harness the pull of the company and believed that he had to hire a marketing expert to do so. Moreover, he had the right person, an American expert on 'marketing' and such things as esoteric in those days in our country.

A American! My mother. To me, a Seville world ventipocos years less than the slippers of a cloistered nun, an American image of these features was undoubtedly the Melanie Griffith "Working Girl." A sex bomb ... As you see, no ... Michele, that was the name the expert, was more similar to our Cristina Almeida to Melanie that. To be more precise sister's partner was so happily proposed incorporation. And the expert, well ...

"Michelon, so the baptized immediately, bringing marketing ideas more appropriate for users of Nutella that of an engineering company. His first and most brilliant idea (the truth is that we leave time for little else) was to create "club business users." He then began to send around the world as if it were the head, brochures, surveys, forms, 'mailings' ... because she, of course, did nothing just 'created' concepts then we the technicians of the company we had to put down on paper by graphic harvard wordperfect and retreats for this on our beloved arrays of pointers to pointers that were the really motivated us ... hell.

Necesitábmos out of the way in this alien monstrosity, so after a quick study quickly found their weak point: the minesweeper. Michelon is devoted exclusively to play Minesweeper between each of its creative explosion. Minesweeper for hours while we were spending to make the forms of "satisfaction surveys of users of the club." The solution was very fast: we substitute the minesweeper executable by a rigged by "hooks" that capture certain events (time spent playing, game results, etc..) And published in a document of a public directory of our network novell. Through these 'public statistics' we discover that not only spent many hours a game (which we knew) but also of no help because he was hopelessly ill-served by playing ...

From there everything went smoothly. We just had to 'pass' the story to the right people in the business as if it were a game ... quickly reached the ears of some of the members (of whom, except his brother, were also pretty 'fly' with this club of users) and the illustrious Michelon was summarily dismissed.

I must admit that this first performance as BOFH left a bittersweet taste. The satisfaction of feeling superior to ordinary mortals and having got what he wanted was caused couples to remorse for the consequences ... But remorse is very fast passed and the story has been 'growing' over the years (good BOFH's, like fishermen, magnify their feat in proportion to the number of times the count) and has made me have a good time telling it in the forums ...

the style of these movies based on true facts imagine this on a black background with white lettering verticamelte moving on the screen: Michele divorced two years after his brother and brother went back to the U.S. He returned to Coca-Cola, a company of which he had left to live his Latin romance, and work there without devising new user clubs with which to torment the firm's clients. Our company continued to deteriorate, more committed employees we left, some members also and at the end of his life, eventually converted into an electrical installation company that ended up closing. The End.

Bump On Groin Do To Catheter

The early years working in the bathroom 24 hours

God knows to be a System Administrator is not easy but if you're a woman over, anything can happen.

a profession that until recently was the exclusive property of men have details yet of the most archaic. So it's no wonder that one day you touch go to review a network closet and you find that is located inside the boys' bathroom.

Initially, when I heard, the anger came over me but after the party won more than ironic.

Fortunately or unfortunately I had to go to my boss to review. Luck comes to you can send the outpost in the bathroom to find no unpleasant surprises (pleasant or unpleasant, depending how you look ...).

The trouble is that people do not look very good when you get a man to a bath of guys (from the time you spend to have a nice nickname that I'm not here to play). Best of all is that the 5 minutes in, went into a cleaning lady to see what happened. After checking our real business, pretended to wipe a mirror but you could see the disappointment on the face of a new gossip.

Then another funny moment is when you tell your family what you did that day at work: "Well then, what is typical. I've got kids in the bath with my boss" (this what amounts to a is a fellow and you have all the ingredients so that your friends are horny you for a long time.)

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BOFH: feeling the colors

be BOFH is a philosophy of life. You can not be BOFH 8-12 hours a day and rest of the time. You have to be 24 hours. Working, eating, sleeping, holidays, sick ... all stages of your life are permeated by BOFH style ... or at least I think you know.

This phenomenon happens all the computer occasionally, but the BOFH and PFY happens throughout life. Not if our aura of wisdom, our outward appearance or the people associated with their messages of "ask your system administrator" for the BOFH, but the message will go in the damn computer at home.

And it does not matter the time you spend and what is the question:

Maria Gomez: Oyep, watching, I was looking at some articles online and, without knowing why, I have stopped working. Do not know what to do and I said "I'll call this one, which as you know these things, sure I can fix in a flash plasma.
BOFH: Hey Mariano, I've noticed that it's 2 o'clock in the morning?
Mariano Gomez, of course, but as you do not sleep ... (And yes, we should be human vampires by night and day.'m Sure it mentioned now that the sun does not give us).
BOFH: items will not be porn?
Mariano Gomez, you say, if I use it only for internet news and stuff. (AJA, and the worst is that your wife believes it.)
BOFH: (pulls out his hammer and hit 4Q Lupin style to your partner how the astral).


Hands up all those who do not BOFH them has passed.
.
.
.
Aha, I see that nobody raises their hand.

also have to know everything. You are BOFH, but also know photoshop, office, internet, games, application of cousin "computer", dialers which install themselves, malware, pine-bridge, etc ... or at least I think you know. Let

some nice examples:

Location: 2 am having some drinks at several bars. After 5 carbons long drinks you no longer anything but your friend Carlos Gil, semisobrio still has a letter for you.

(T Note: For a better understanding BOFH phrases are written in ordinary language instead of cloth).

Carlos Gil: jo, I do not know what happened today at work. I was with a excel sheet by chiriburcios then make automatic alignment through some links but I went chachipirulis While Chinise. Oyep, you who know this, as is done?
BOFH: neither put ..... idea.
Carlos Gil: ja, and you're a BOFH? such as if you can not excel and Chinise?
BOFH: is that I am a sysadmin. I spreadsheets, just and necessary.
Carlos Gil: jo, seems impossible ...
BOFH: (gulp Cubata).

Worst of all: do not support the speech reversals.

BOFH: Hey look, I have a little problem. I have a trial by a neighbor but I have no lawyer, and had thought you could help me out. Is a noise problem and suspected theft.
Carlos Gil, and because I commented to me?
BOFH: Well, as you are a lawyer had thought ....
Carlos Gil, but you know that I am dedicated to homicide.
BOFH, but something you'll know what my right?
Carlos Gil: I will not.
BOFH: go fuck a lawyer because you do not know of a neighboring normalillo problem.
Carlos Gil: Hey, how dare you say that?
BOFH: is that because last night I loosed something.
Carlos Gil is not the same.
.
.
.

And above should apologize.

I have not known any guild to make a reciprocal agreement with this, or lawyers or economists, or electricians.

In fact, I only met one person who has behaved decently and without asking me: a chef. I installed a laptop with Windows 98 and in turn invited me to dinner at his restaurant. Dinner for 2 people.

Finally we have a choice suffered by all providers: the how-to Noob.

is a friend or acquaintance who asks you to install the computer, he does not know. Then learn
!!!!!!!
But no, we are good people and install it (it looks like we spend our lives in these things).
With friends go, but when a neighbor, an acquaintance of a neighbor, or a work of a friend of the brother of your spouse, it is to kill them all with an AK-47.

For today I've vented enough.

For more laughs with this topic, see Friend Computer and Computer 2 Friend. The next day

BOFH and card spot. Another round of pot kidding my mind in leisure time.

Weinberg Problems With Answers

The mysterious case of missing mail

July 18 and about 1300. The air conditioning in the office takes two days in Madrid crashed and the heat is infernal. Terrible omen of a day of horns.

Riiing, riiiing, riiiiiiiiiiiiing. The phone rings and I pick up reluctantly.

- "Who are you?", I hear the other side of the line. Father Christmas do not you fuck? I hate these calls, without identification, without saying hello and over, asking for authoritarian who has picked up the phone (he'll know Where has called!). However, one must be cautious: these calls refer to many of the job and the personality that is the other side and are usually bastards and sons of bitches but loaded with gallons within the company. I try to tune the voice and answered.

- "The System Administrator, do you?". It is perfectly who he is. That voice of disgust as if smelling shit times is unmistakable. But it also bothers him as he does not recognize, one unmistakable symptom of the paranoid personality.

- "Manuel, the director of Research and Consulting", spits obviously upset (bingo!). "There is a problem with email.."

Consider again the specimen. This kind of demigods have problems because they believe never perfect. Never say "I have a problem with the email" but "there is a problem with e-mail." We are familiar with it?

- "Could you give more details of the problem?" Replied trying to soften the tone a bit.

- "I'm expecting a momentous report sent to me over two hours and that never comes."

From here a good BOFH you know what happens. How important reports are completed in those two or three hours in which the mail server has a curious and highly selective problem! However mega-directors not conceive that someone might want to cheat and less if, as was the case, it was a report of Alfonso, head of one of the areas of management, and ball of the first order of our "beloved" director so get to work and continue with the usual protocol in these cases: sending an email from the company account is received immediately and another 5 from accounts created specifically for these cases free from external suppliers. Also arrive instantly. But IT is still not satisfied. We moved on to plan B.

- "Let me make some checks on the server and then call him." I hang up and, without further ado, I call on Alfonso.

- "Alfonso? Hello, good. I am the system administrator. It seems that the director is expecting a very important report and yours has not arrived. I found not to have any problem with your account and everything looks OK but, me most strange is that I have looked on the server and there is no sign that you've written all day. "Have you actually sent? Do not you have a problem on your machine?".

- "emmm, ummm, ohhh." Gurgles across

- "How do you say Alfonso? Do you think of anything Do not worry I will do further checks and, as you get the message to Manuel I myself will tell you where you can see the time that you really sent the mail to leave no doubt "

-" ugggg, ghaaaaa, gehhhh. "More babbling the other side. hang. I think that's enough to unclog the server queue mail. Indeed a few minutes I see in the log that the expected message is processed and sent to your destination.

I do not bother even to call the director. may even have forgotten who has spoken to me. These guys are well. But I

a while turning the matter. A good BOFH is proactive and anticipates the future aconecimientos. Perhaps if Mr. director received more messages a day after a test would feaciente of no problems with the email service and would be more peaceful ... Something easy solution having a service as completito as this .

I think I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon filling out forms ...

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Click

L: Hello? yes? hello? yes, good morning. I'm calling because my laptop does not work.
BOFH: Well, tell me what happens.
L: I do not work. BOFH
(must think I'm deaf and dumb and I have not understood your first sentence): specifically happens? will not start? the mouse does not work? is no internet?
L: I looked, I have no email, I have no internet, no nothing works for me.
BOFH (we learning) and internet mail only or we fail word?
L: mail and the Internet. BOFH
(gentlemen, as everyone knows, words such as ping, ipconfig, etc are unknown to the L, so we're going with a dose of patience.): Let's see how we solve it. Click Start, Run and type cmd. You get a black window right?
L: yes!
BOFH: type ping ...
L: how? (I am deaf and I do not understand the words of less than 5 letters).
BOFH: ping. Spelling Le P, I, N, G (starts with it and finished with sonotone lord).
L: ok, ping.
BOFH: space 10.0.0.1 and press enter. You don?
L: timed for this application. 4 times.
BOFH: you connect via wifi or cable?
L: with the cable.
BOFH: What are you plugged in?
L: if .... (Background noise: CLICK = noise made by the tab of a network cable to fit into the connector).
L: ah, well it was not enfuchado (ie, I'm a bum host that before looking to see if I have my cable plugged in instead of hanging from the table, I devote myself to call people who have no other thing to do to lose 15 minutes of your life with me.)
L: I regret the inconvenience.
BOFH: nothing happens (damn bastard).
L: thanks and goodbye.
BOFH: until then (and hopefully get caught watching porn).

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Lost

luser: "I can not find the icon of the Word"

The disappearance of the Word icon, 5 years old and a resident of Office (Windows), was reported in yesterday afternoon at the headquarters of the Clearinghouse. Upon learning of this complaint, the BOFH immediately established a search engine and the luser located near his office.

After a raid the place, without locating the disappeared, today the search has resumed, with a device group formed by members of the Clearinghouse, members of the Computer Centre, the PFY helicopter, and group of rescue dogs. So far, this device has located the remains that apparently belong to the missing.

will keep you informed of progress of the search.

Updated: has found the missing at the height of the Documents & Settings folder. All breathe easier.

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PFY: Pimply-Faced Youth

With 'L' very big in the back, and the little hand of the best blogger Euskadi (,-P) I put the first (blog entry) and I thank welcome to this journey through the vent and some other paranoid groups ...

As in the previous post loretahur I told you what a BOFH, I take advantage of Commentator what a PFY.

PFY BOFH is an apprentice. Literally means Young with pimples :-D, and basically deals with the BOFH watch you work with, learn from them and sometimes imitate them. This is the stage that marks the character of future

BOFH} :-) Greetings.

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BOFH: Bastard Operator From Hell's

What is BOFH? Well, using the superb definition of Wikipedia I will say that BOFH stands for the English term for Bastard Operator From Hell, literally "Cursed Operator from Hell", although it could be translated as Demon Infamous Manager. This is a fictional character created by Simon Travaglia , who wrote several stories on the Internet about a network administrator at a university.

A BOFH is characterized by carrying all his anger on lusers (he considered a mixture of user, user in English, loser, loser) who call for help, makes life impossible and have fun at the expense their misfortunes.

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Hellwalker

His parents sensed that something strange was happening with the child when they saw that he enjoyed taking apart toys more than playing with them and had a penchant for Exin-Castles, Mecano-Metaling and Tente (LEGO did not a good distribution our country in those years).

At 14 he was already famous in the neighborhood repairing radios and televisions and had her first orgasm at 15 after the accidental discharge of the 750 volt power to the filament of a vacuum tetrode, pentode. Entered the world of computing as at that time almost all of Sinclair's hand (no, not a sewing machine ...) and its first * NIX, although today it is impossible to imagine what Microsoft
distributed.

is currently working as Systems Manager of a public company and, although I never recognized before the user, particularly enjoys removing the fluff from the roller ball mice.


Loretahur
In his happy childhood was completely normal girl. Skipping, changing cards, playing with friends, ... But everything was shattered one day out of the blue when he got a terrible gift: a computer.

This made opted for Computer Science as a career (that and it was one of the races with the highest rate of children per square meter). There he discovered that not only was a weirdo in the world (there were more people trapped).

His friends began to know more about her by emails or posts on his blog so I told them face to face.

year career after he started liking cables and switches the lights on when it restarted left him spellbound. Thus was forged the current BOFH, a little bitch but deep down a whole sentimental.

DeadStorm
The black sheep of the computer. Normalito was small, neighborhood games and imagination riding tanks and houses with couches in my house. During my studies for an education veterinary, pharmacy, chemical engineer, industrial engineer, and in the last minute information. Sorry for not being a classic, but my first computer was a Pentium, but had already tinkering with a 286 that was my sister.

After a few years of many games of cards and few classes, I caught the bug of tinkering with computers and, as one thing leads to another, I have finished BOFH.

"Hobbies? the best and most beautiful: the piscinazos computer. Who has not changed the passwords of hundreds of users with a single click and without realizing it? Who changes the system without backup? Who brings out a blue screen on computers and then makes a face "because it was not to be? These and other things are part of my curriculum. The Trainman


was once a boy who had everything lights, screen and buttons loved. This young boy became. The young man he studied Computer. The young man became an adult. The adult is squeezed miserably as programmer and SysAdmin. Child writes here.

The meteoric rise of our child started with the ZX Spectrum Amstrad mitiquísimo 16K, which left out of boredom and lack of knowledge of BASIC. Then the natural "evolution? of any being of this type: PcFútbol Pentium, Pentium II and C + + in the race,
Pentium IV, Internet and a chronic problem with the opposite sex. I said, natural evolution.

be BOFH The problem is that everything asking us is a challenge. And we do not know how to refuse. Yes There is a masochistic component, but milk, if we even pay for it ....